This post has been on my mind for a long time but I've struggled to sit down and actually write it. It's not full of funny stories, a birthday recap, or cute pictures of the babies... just my honest feelings and thoughts about this 3rd pregnancy and how damn hard it's been. I share it only because I've found that it's the things that make us the most uncomfortable that are the most important to share...someone out there might need this post. So I'll write it. But please know, that I don't write it for sympathy or pity or worse, for someone to think that I'm not over the moon and grateful for this baby, because I absolutely am. It's just been a really hard pregnancy. And I haven't written about this pregnancy yet because I simply can't gloss it over and ignore the hard stuff. But here we go...
I found out I was pregnant back in July when it was still really early. We had decided we were ready to start thinking about baby #3 and were both really excited that we got pregnant really quickly. I typically find out around 3.5-4 weeks in because I'm religious about tracking my monthly cycles. My hormones and subsequent mood swings are like clockwork so it's nice to be able to anticipate the crazy times. Anyway, I had the flu twice during the first couple months of the pregnancy on top of the worst nausea and morning sickness I've experienced thus far and it all started right around the 4-5 week mark...and I was still getting sick at 16+ weeks. Each pregnancy has gotten worse in that way and while we have always talked about having 3 kids, part of the reason I feel so comfortable in knowing that our family is complete is that I legitimately don't think I could go through another pregnancy like this one. At least I have no desire to do so.
I would typically hold myself together through the day at work, pick the kids up from daycare, and then be sick immediately upon arriving home as well as most of the evening while taking care of the boys, occasionally making dinner, and counting the minutes until Dennis would get home so I could tap out for a bit. But I obviously could never fully tap out because I have two little boys that also need their mama. Duke understood that mama wasn't feeling good and he was sweet as can be but he hadn't even turned 3 yet so the ability to remember that mama isn't feeling good just doesn't exist.
On top of the sickness, I have been insanely irritable and just plain angry. I've had a really really hard time managing my anxiety and when it's at it's worst, it typically manifests through irritability, anger, and impatience. If you don't know me well, you're probably thankful for that at this point in the story ;) A few months after Theo was born, I went back on anxiety medication. I hadn't been on anything for probably 8+ years but I found that as my responsibilities in life grew, most obviously in the form of 2 children, I could not cope with my anxiety in the same way I had been for years. I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder about 15 years ago and my ability to manage it on my own has fluctuated throughout those years. I found that the medication I was on after Theo was so helpful. I finally felt like myself again and could enjoy my little family so much more when I wasn't constantly managing my brain. Once I became pregnant, I had to stop the medication and can't resume until very late in my pregnancy or after baby #3 is here. I had hoped that I would be able to manage as well as I had during my previous pregnancies but unfortunately, it's a different beast now.
I have struggled so much with personal guilt and straight-up mom guilt about all of this for months. I am not nearly as patient with my boys as I wish I was. I yell more. I get so frustrated, I literally burst into tears. I am not a very nice wife. I'm not a great friend. I'm a negligent business owner. There are absolutely elements of depression that have always accompanied my anxiety and if no one else, I definitely open up to my doctor as well as Dennis about those feeling so he can help to gently encourage some normalcy and not let me get too bogged down in my own headspace. The other thing that I continue to remind myself is that this is temporary. My anxiety won't miraculously go away when I'm no longer pregnant, but I'll have more options for managing it. Do I think life will be easier with 3 kids instead of 2? Absolutely not! Ha! But I hope that I can focus more on taking care of myself, when I'm not also dealing with unpredictable hormones and pregnancy discomfort.
Another thing I do to manage expectations? I focus on the things in my life that truly need my time and attention and I either outsource the rest {looking at housecleaning} or simply put things on the back burner. I love my Rodan + Fields business, but when I don't feel like I can devote time or energy to it, I simply don't. And it's still there for me when I return. I LOVE my blog, but when I can't muster up the energy to write a post, I simply don't. The only expectations of me in those areas are the ones I place on myself so I choose not to have any when I know that I mentally can't manage it. My babies, husband, day job, etc? Those things require my attention, love, time, and focus and I prioritize them accordingly.
When we got to see our sweet baby boy during our ultrasound appointment last week, I was immediately relieved that he is growing as he should be and moving around like crazy because I had hardly been feeling him at all. I think every pregnant mama has fears that something might be wrong, especially in the early months when there aren't clear kicks in the ribs to let you know baby is in there. I teared up on more than one occasion during those 90 minutes just imagining what those sweet first moments will be like when he's in our arms next Spring. I am truly counting down the weeks!
Does this post make any sense? I'm honestly not sure it does but I hope that by being honest and vulnerable in this space, someone, somewhere finds a little peace that they are not alone. Pregnant or not, if you struggle with anxiety, you get it! Sometimes life is just really hard and battling mental illness just adds to the complexity. Every person and situation is different... my situation has changed so much over the past 15 years that I don't expect to know what this will all look like 5 years down the road. I thought when I got off of medication 8 years ago, I'd never need it again. Am I ashamed that I do? Nope. It's a fact of my life right now and quite frankly, I would be robbing myself and my family of who I am at my best if I didn't admit when I needed some help. So I'll end this all by saying that I am so grateful for this growing baby in this ever-growing bump, but I cannot wait for him to be on the outside...18 weeks and counting little man!
Until next time, friends.
-T-
Labels: Honesty, Pregnancy, Real Life
