Pregnancy #3: Truth Talk

This post has been on my mind for a long time but I've struggled to sit down and actually write it. It's not full of funny stories, a birthday recap, or cute pictures of the babies... just my honest feelings and thoughts about this 3rd pregnancy and how damn hard it's been.  I share it only because I've found that it's the things that make us the most uncomfortable that are the most important to share...someone out there might need this post.  So I'll write it.  But please know, that I don't write it for sympathy or pity or worse, for someone to think that I'm not over the moon and grateful for this baby, because I absolutely am. It's just been a really hard pregnancy. And I haven't written about this pregnancy yet because I simply can't gloss it over and ignore the hard stuff.  But here we go...

I found out I was pregnant back in July when it was still really early. We had decided we were ready to start thinking about baby #3 and were both really excited that we got pregnant really quickly.  I typically find out around 3.5-4 weeks in because I'm religious about tracking my monthly cycles. My hormones and subsequent mood swings are like clockwork so it's nice to be able to anticipate the crazy times.  Anyway, I had the flu twice during the first couple months of the pregnancy on top of the worst nausea and morning sickness I've experienced thus far and it all started right around the 4-5 week mark...and I was still getting sick at 16+ weeks.  Each pregnancy has gotten worse in that way and while we have always talked about having 3 kids, part of the reason I feel so comfortable in knowing that our family is complete is that I legitimately don't think I could go through another pregnancy like this one. At least I have no desire to do so.

I would typically hold myself together through the day at work, pick the kids up from daycare, and then be sick immediately upon arriving home as well as most of the evening while taking care of the boys, occasionally making dinner, and counting the minutes until Dennis would get home so I could tap out for a bit.  But I obviously could never fully tap out because I have two little boys that also need their mama. Duke understood that mama wasn't feeling good and he was sweet as can be but he hadn't even turned 3 yet so the ability to remember that mama isn't feeling good just doesn't exist.

On top of the sickness, I have been insanely irritable and just plain angry.  I've had a really really hard time managing my anxiety and when it's at it's worst, it typically manifests through irritability, anger, and impatience. If you don't know me well, you're probably thankful for that at this point in the story ;) A few months after Theo was born, I went back on anxiety medication. I hadn't been on anything for probably 8+ years but I found that as my responsibilities in life grew, most obviously in the form of 2 children, I could not cope with my anxiety in the same way I had been for years. I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder about 15 years ago and my ability to manage it on my own has fluctuated throughout those years.  I found that the medication I was on after Theo was so helpful. I finally felt like myself again and could enjoy my little family so much more when I wasn't constantly managing my brain.  Once I became pregnant, I had to stop the medication and can't resume until very late in my pregnancy or after baby #3 is here.  I had hoped that I would be able to manage as well as I had during my previous pregnancies but unfortunately, it's a different beast now.

I have struggled so much with personal guilt and straight-up mom guilt about all of this for months.  I am not nearly as patient with my boys as I wish I was. I yell more. I get so frustrated, I literally burst into tears. I am not a very nice wife. I'm not a great friend. I'm a negligent business owner. There are absolutely elements of depression that have always accompanied my anxiety and if no one else, I definitely open up to my doctor as well as Dennis about those feeling so he can help to gently encourage some normalcy and not let me get too bogged down in my own headspace.  The other thing that I continue to remind myself is that this is temporary.  My anxiety won't miraculously go away when I'm no longer pregnant, but I'll have more options for managing it.  Do I think life will be easier with 3 kids instead of 2? Absolutely not! Ha! But I hope that I can focus more on taking care of myself, when I'm not also dealing with unpredictable hormones and pregnancy discomfort.

Another thing I do to manage expectations? I focus on the things in my life that truly need my time and attention and I either outsource the rest {looking at housecleaning} or simply put things on the back burner.  I love my Rodan + Fields business, but when I don't feel like I can devote time or energy to it, I simply don't. And it's still there for me when I return.  I LOVE my blog, but when I can't muster up the energy to write a post, I simply don't.  The only expectations of me in those areas are the ones I place on myself so I choose not to have any when I know that I mentally can't manage it.  My babies, husband, day job, etc? Those things require my attention, love, time, and focus and I prioritize them accordingly.

When we got to see our sweet baby boy during our ultrasound appointment last week, I was immediately relieved that he is growing as he should be and moving around like crazy because I had hardly been feeling him at all. I think every pregnant mama has fears that something might be wrong, especially in the early months when there aren't clear kicks in the ribs to let you know baby is in there. I teared up on more than one occasion during those 90 minutes just imagining what those sweet first moments will be like when he's in our arms next Spring.  I am truly counting down the weeks!

Does this post make any sense? I'm honestly not sure it does but I hope that by being honest and vulnerable in this space, someone, somewhere finds a little peace that they are not alone. Pregnant or not, if you struggle with anxiety, you get it! Sometimes life is just really hard and battling mental illness just adds to the complexity.  Every person and situation is different... my situation has changed so much over the past 15 years that I don't expect to know what this will all look like 5 years down the road. I thought when I got off of medication 8 years ago, I'd never need it again.  Am I ashamed that I do? Nope. It's a fact of my life right now and quite frankly, I would be robbing myself and my family of who I am at my best if I didn't admit when I needed some help.  So I'll end this all by saying that I am so grateful for this growing baby in this ever-growing bump, but I cannot wait for him to be on the outside...18 weeks and counting little man!

Until next time, friends.

-T-

Duke Turns 3!

Last week MONTH (I wrote this weeks ago but never got pictures up!) on the 24th, my sweet first baby turned 3 years old! Duke has been so excited about his birthday coming up and loves to hold down his thumb and pinky to show people he's 3. He can say "three" as well, but showing them with the use of both hands is certainly the preference. It's adorable!

Side note: My sweet husband sent me flowers on Duke's birthday to celebrate the day I became a mom.  How thoughtful is that?!  Made me want to dig into the archives and read Duke's birth story again which you can find here and here. Enjoy!

We have created a fun little tradition of filling up the boys cribs with balloons on their birthdays so we were a little worried on what to do this year since Duke is no longer in a crib. He gets up sometimes in the middle of the night so I was hesitant to put them in his room after he was asleep and then have him trip over them in a middle of the night stumble. Dennis saved the day by getting all the balloons ready on Tuesday night and while Duke was slowing waking up, we had him hide under the covers and dumped all the balloons on top of his bed. He was THRILLED. As I had been explaining to him that it was his birthday a few minutes earlier, he kept asking "but where is it??" so being covered in balloons seemed to do the trick.

He came downstairs to a new Mickey Mouse table covered in art supplies and DONUTS...the highlight of any birthday.  He, Theo, and daddy sat at his table and had breakfast and I headed off to work.  At daycare, Duke got to eat cheeseburgers and French fries with all of his friends and he told anyone that would listen about the balloons in his bed.  My mom scooped him up from daycare a little early to go on a pre-dinner tractor ride with my dad.  Later, most of the family met up for dinner at our favorite dive-y fried chicken joint and topped the evening off with cupcakes and singing.

When we got home, Dennis headed to pool league, Theo went to bed and Duke got to stay up late with me and watch a movie.  He may or may not have ended up falling asleep in my bed and I didn't dare move him. He's getting so big, and special one on one snuggles with him were just what we needed to cap off the day!

On Sunday we had his big family party.  We haven't gotten into the world of friend parties yet and I'm hoping that's still a few years off...am I wrong?!  While Duke and Theo napped, my decorating committee came over and covered the house in streamers and super heroes. We had decorations dangling from every can light and balloons everywhere.  The birthday boy woke up just as we finished and by then just about all of his guests had arrived.  He was so shy when I brought him downstairs but got more and more excited as he saw all of his favorite characters around the house.

Dennis made AMAZING homemade pasta sauce with rigatoni, salad, and garlic bread and we all ate until we were seriously stuffed. It's the best sauce he's ever made and it will certainly need to be made more this winter.  The whole house smelled divine.  After dinner, the birthday boy got to play before opening presents. His excitement was on point this year! He was so thrilled for each and every gift and made my parents day when he immediately recognized the tractor/trailer they bought him as being EXACTLY like Bampas. "Bampa! This where you put the corn in!" My sister Michelle got him all things Paw Patrol with the main event happening in February when we take him to Paw Patrol live! He wouldn't have a clue what that means right now but I am already counting down the days for it because he's going to freak out.  My sister Jen made him a super hero cape that he hasn't wanted to take off and it's the sweetest.  Superheroes are everything to our boy so getting to be one is basically the meaning of life to him. He got all sorts of other toys and gadgets and I've started hiding older toys in the basement so he can focus on the new stuff and I can gain a little sanity.

We ended the day with birthday cake, candles, ice cream, and singing.  The smile on his face in this picture means everything to me. He had the best day and just asked me last night if we can do it "just one more time"  which melts my heart. 3 is big time. 3 means preschool next fall.  3 means we actually have to finish potty training ;) (he's doing pretty well so far!). 3 is so much bigger than the nugget he was just yesterday.  

Happy Birthday Duke man!

-T-

Theodore Paul: 18 months!

My sweet and wild Theo bear is 18 months old! This boy has changed so much since he turned 1 and it's so fun to watch him grow. The first year of Theo's life he was quiet and observant. He would smile and laugh constantly, never really fussed unless he was hungry #hegetsitfromhismama, and he was just plain chill. I have to say that this made the transition from 1 to 2 so much easier than I imagined. He was a dream. 

All of the sudden when Theo turned 1, his personality exploded. He found his voice in screeches and yells {he still doesn't say much other than 'mama' but he'll get there}, and started to make himself known. He doesn't let his brother run the show without a bit of a fight, he is funny and absolutely LOVES being tickled.  Theo has always been a mama's boy, and his separation anxiety kicked in strong at 12 months.  It's definitely gotten better but now that he understands when I'm leaving, like for work every day as an example, he chases me down and squeezes my legs, pressing his little face against my thigh. I'd take him with me every day if I could!

Theo started walking at 16 months and absolutely took off once he got the hang of it. He still loves to be carried but running around at the park is most definitely his favorite activity. This boy can EAT more than any kid I've ever seen. He will literally eat all day long if you let him. And he doesn't care what it is. He is growing like a weed so clearly he needs the fuel but it's comical most days just how much he can put down.

I can't help but picture how much our lives will change again in 6 short months. When Theo was born, Duke was too little to really understand what was going on but now he's really interested. Theo on the other hand has no idea what's going on and is REAL jealous of the 2 other babies at daycare.  I'm more than a little anxious about how my sweet boy will handle being a big brother but I pray that he adjusts as well as Duke did! He is so sweet and loving that I just know he will do great, as long as I can figure out how to fit 3 nuggets on my lap at the same time ;)

I am so excited to see what sports Theo ends up liking as he gets bigger. He has a serious arm and loves to throw a ball, chase after it, and throw it again. OR get about 18 inches away from people and chuck it at them. Ha!  He has no idea how strong he is.  We're leaning towards a Thor costume this year because his grip is so intense, I think he could actually pick up the mythical hammer.  Duke is obsessed with the 'Hult' right now so he'll be a mean green fighting machine come Oct. 31.

The brother bond between these nuggets has gotten strong the past few months and they love to play together, make each other laugh, and inevitably turn innocent hugs into a full blown wrestling match.  I love seeing them together, watching just how excited they get when the other walks into the room, and I can't wait to watch them bring their newest brother or sister into their circle.  Siblings are the best!

That's it for now...I'm feeling extra emotional about the fact that I'll be posting Duke's 3 YEAR update next month so props to Theo for staying little ;)

-T-

Catching Up

Earlier this week I returned from 5 days of motivation, inspiration, exhaustion, and emotion.  AKA the Rodan + Fields convention.  This was my first convention and while I had heard nothing but great things about it, I was a little anxious about what to expect. To start, I've been so sick during this pregnancy that my biggest fear was that I would just be miserable the whole trip and sleeping in a room with 3 other people that would be subject to my illness.  THANKFULLY I started feeling better at the beginning of last week and have been on the up and up every since.

The next part that surprised me the most was how damn emotional I was the whole time.  The speakers and focus of the convention wasn't just about being business owners, but about US. It was about being the best people we can be, about being powerful and successful women, and chasing away our demons and insecurities. I kept coming to realizations that I haven't really let myself think about for fear of feeling like a big failure or worse, a fraud.  Every session hit home for me in a different way.  YES I'm passionate about my business and the heart behind this company. YES I want to provide a future of flexibility and freedom for my family. But what else? I want to blog more, I want to prioritize things in life that bring me JOY. I want to stop skipping out on time with girlfriends or feeling guilty about doing things for myself. I want to be a more present mother and wife. I want to do more by doing less of what doesn't matter.

We announced our 3rd pregnancy last week and the love we felt was absolutely amazing.  We are so excited about this third addition to our little family, and yes, it was very much planned.  I think people assume this was a surprise pregnancy since we have a not quite 3 year old and an 18 month old now but we always knew we wanted 3 kiddos and the timing was exactly right.  I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful that even though I've been insanely sick growing this human that he/she looks perfect and I am already picturing the day I get to snuggle him/her up and introduce them to the boys. 

Duke has been very interested in everything this go around- especially why mommy is so sick. He gets tummy aches too and tells me the baby in his belly is a sister named Piper. I never knew how fun it would be to have a kiddo that is so involved in the pregnancy since he was so young when I was pregnant with Theo. I love it! He forgets that he's not supposed to body slam me like he does his daddy but we're working on that.

Theo will be 18 months old next week and is starting to mark his place in the world instead of just passively observing from the sidelines. He is strong willed and funny and I can't wait for him to start talking.  He runs all over the place, still has the best laugh, and melts my heart on a daily basis when he just needs snuggles.  He put his milk cup in my bag this morning and gave me the sweetest smile like "I'm coming too, right mom?!".

Dennis did an excellent job holding down the fort while I was gone and I always find that we appreciate each other even more when one of us has to do everything solo.  Love you hubs!

I want to check in this space more often, even just for quick updates, and keep my creative juices flowing. Here's hoping my September resolution holds strong! ;)

Happy Friday!

Life Lately

We bought a house! Life has been absolutely crazy the last few weeks but I’m happy to report that we bought a house, moved into it, I traveled for work for 3 days and we made a quick family trip to Colorado…all in the span of 10 days…and we survived! #halleluiah Full disclosure, I have 0 good pictures of the house because it's just not ready to share! As soon as we feel a little more settled, I'll do a post featuring all the fun stuff. 

Let’s back up.  About 2 months ago, some friends of ours reached out letting us know they were interested in selling their home and wanted to see if we would be interested in buying it. They knew they were in a neighborhood we wanted to eventually be in and ideally wanted to make the deal as smooth as possible with no realtors involved.  Dennis and I both knew we were about a year ahead of being ready to buy but figured it didn’t hurt to at least 1- see the house and 2- talk to some banks. 

Duke approved of the staircase...

We all approved on the proximity to the park...and cousins!

We went and checked out the space and fell in love with it.  We weren’t gaining much in size but we were gaining the potential of a finished basement, a house that was only 10 years old instead of 110 (we LOVED living in our older home with all of the character and charm but it was not ideal with the boys…creaky floors make it IMPOSSIBLE to sneak away at bed time!), and an attached garage.  We happened to love the decorating style of the owners and knew that this was a house we could live in for no less than 10 years. 

Previous owners patio decorations but LOOK at that pergola. All the heart eyes. 

We started talking to banks, moving things around, and finally qualified and started the loan process.  All in all it took about 45 days and was smooth.  We had a few hiccups the final week but closed right on time on June 1^st and began moving items over that evening.  We hired some local movers for all of the major items as well as the tons of boxes and totes we had been packing for weeks.  By noon on Saturday, June 2^nd, we had a home and garage FILLED with stuff and began the LONG process of unpacking and organizing.  Knowing we only had a few days before I headed off for a work trip, we prioritized beds for sleeping and a kitchen/dining room/toy nook for surviving. My family helped a TON by watching the boys, mowing the lawn, and helping us unpack and I left on Thursday morning feeling semi-settled in. Duke helped by trying on all the random hats he could find and hiding socks all over the main floor. 

At work, our Board of Directors meets about 3 times a year all over the country. This meeting was relatively close to home and only required a short 2 hour drive to the hotel and event space. Over the course of 3 days we had about 8 different interactions scheduled, most of which I was heavily involved in and had been planning for months.  Not being an event planner of any sort, I had been stressing about the events for a few weeks and although the hotel was a complete disappointment, everyone walked away inspired and excited about all of the wonderful things happening at the University of South Dakota. Minutes after wrapping up our final and most important meeting, I met Dennis in the lobby of my hotel and we hopped in the car to head to the airport.  

While I was working in Omaha, my parents were driving to Colorado with the boys.  Through some serious logistical juggling and coordinating, we were able to all plan to be at my nieces’ baptism in Colorado and still meet all of our work commitments.  Dennis was unable to get any scheduled time off and since he works on Saturdays, he was in his home state for roughly 24 hours.  I booked a one-way flight out to get me to Denver on Saturday night and drove back with my parents and the boys on Monday.

None of this would be possible without insanely supportive family to help fill in all of the gaps and allow us to be dedicated full time employees, present and engaged parents and the 40 other personal commitments we balance on a daily basis.  Trust me, while I take full advantage of the support we have available, I take none of it for granted.  The ability to be close to family, chase our career goals, and plant deep roots in the community, are just a few of the many reasons we are so thankful we moved.

While in Colorado, we celebrated my sweet niece Emarie's baptism, checked out my in-laws new house, and soaked up sunshine and family time. It was a quick trip but a fun one. 

I cannot wait to get back home and continue to settle in and make this place OURS. We will be putting up a fence in the coming weeks for some additional privacy and space for Capone to run around and we’re already dreaming up house projects big and small that we want to tackle.  So far we've mastered taking naps, cuddling, and going to the park. 

Coming up we have some fun plans in the works for the 4^th of July, another trip to Colorado on the books that same week for a wedding and then hopefully weeks of blissful summertime!

Life is full. Life is busy. Life is good.  Happy Monday friends!