My thoughts on "Trying"- 12.20.2014

I wrote this post MONTHS ago obviously and wasn't quite brave enough to share it but I hoped that one day I would have a big round pregnant belly and finally feel comfortable sharing some of the deep dark secret thoughts I had when we made the decision to start "trying" for a baby.  Today appears to be that day.  PLEASE know that I am well aware of how incredibly blessed we are that we are pregnant and that it didn't take us very long at all to get there-at the time of writing this post, I wasn't pregnant and didn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. {disclaimer over}

This baby fever thing is no joke.  To some people, today is Saturday, December 20, 2014.  To me, it's day 22.  It's month #4 of this whole "trying" business and letmetellyou it's not all I thought it would be.  I'm just being honest.  I honestly didn't think we'd have to see a month #4.  I didn't really know what I was getting into but I knew that I really wanted a baby with the man of my dreams, my best friend, my hubs.  I also knew that many people in my life decided they wanted a baby and BAM they made baby.

I know that's not the most realistic perspective.  I know most people try for months before they get pregnant.  I told myself (and the hubs) that we'd just have fun and try and see what happened.  But when you're talking about something that will change every aspect of your life, it's hard to just throw caution to the wind and "see what happens."  Can anyone else relate?  I had to make sure we waited long enough after the wedding so I could travel to one of my best friend's weddings.  So we waited.  THEN when we actually started trying, I kept thinking about all of the holidays/celebrations that were coming up.  What if I'm pregnant and I don't know it and I'm drunk on Halloween dressed up like a cat?  What kind of mom is that!?  What if I'm pregnant on Thanksgiving...what about all. the. wine.  They'll notice if I don't drink and then the cat's out of the bag!  What about Christmas/New Years/Kwanzaa/President's Day...

I didn't actually think all of those thoughts but you get my drift.  More people started getting engaged and planning 2015 weddings.  All of these things seemed to be happening around me while I waited in limbo stage from one week to the next, always wondering if this would be our chance.  I prayed all the time.  I'd get my hopes up and have phantom symptoms and then I'd get a big slap across the face (or uterus) and be doubled over with cramps, holding onto my heating pad for dear life, cursing the day I became a "woman" and I'd wait until our next opportunity to create life.

I'm writing this because I believe (hope?) that some other crazy ladies out there can relate.  I. feel. crazy.  I tried for more years than I care to admit NOT to get pregnant, not because I didn't want a baby but because I hadn't found my guy yet, and now it was all I wanted and it wasn't happening exactly the way I'd always thought it would.  Like all things, I know that God has a plan.  I know that this isn't in my control.  I know that this is just a phase and someday I'll look back and laugh at how impatient I was.  But today is day 22 and I am praying that day 1 doesn't come again for awhile. :)

-T-