The Release | Follow-Up

The release felt really good last week, friends. It was so hard, and I was genuinely anxious at what the response might be and it was overwhelming.  We know there is a lot of love in our corner - hers of course, but ours, the supporting cast, as well.  I honestly never could've accurately pictured what all of this would feel like.  How grief and joy can coexist and processing all of it is a minute by minute game.  We're all striving to do the best we can, I've always said that quite passively, but the truth is that when "the best" is mediocre or worse, it's hard to admit. It's hard to admit when we can't effectively juggle all the things and take care of all the people and be all the things to everyone, whether expected or self-imposed.  It's hard to admit when the burdens are too heavy to carry.  

I broke out in hives all over my legs a couple weeks ago.  At 11:30 p.m. I went to bed and, after noticing that my thigh was really itchy, I discovered red swollen bumps all over my legs. I started panicking, scratching like a crazy person {so smart right?} and forced my husband to start googling "When should you go to the hospital with a rash?"  He showed me a picture of one while I was scrubbing my skin off in the shower and asked me if I thought my rash looked like the picture. I did in fact, agree.  Turns out it was a "stress rash" so I told him to try again.  Give me something else.  Laundry detergent, sheets, clothing, plants, pesticides, grass, toddlers...give me something TANGIBLE to blame this rash on please.  Stress? Um no, pass.  

I'm pretty sure he was right. After a couple of days, it passed.  It will probably come back.  I will probably have to continue to acknowledge my body's response to all of the things going on right now, but like I said, it's hard to admit when the burdens are too heavy to carry.  So we push on. We do the things. We ignore the things we truly can ignore until we can't anymore.  We snuggle the babies.  We go to work.  We push on because life was never meant to be easy, right? That's what I hear anyway. ;)

Next week my biggest baby boy turns 4 years old.  The week after, if I can win the battle, I'll dress up my three little nuggets as the three little pigs.  We will find joy in brightly colored buckets full of candy, in the dirty hands digging in a pumpkin patch, in hot coffee and deep red wine.  We will find joy because even if today is hard, at least we're here. At least we get to experience it. 

I want to thank you for reading. Thank you for sending up prayers and showering us in love. Thank you for being in our corner.   

-T-